Talk is real (not cheap)

Hi, I'm Erin.

I like long walks on the beach and taking pictures of the sunset.

No, scratch that. Starting over.

Hi, I'm Erin.

I like long naps in my bed and writing poems at sunset.

I'm Erin,

And I'm always the first m name called on a role because we spell it M-A-C. When asked how to spell my name, all of my family has the same response. M-A-C lowercase D-O-N-A-L-D. My sister is marrying a guy whose last name is Arntsen. She won't get a break from spelling mistakes.

I'm Erin,

And my uncles used to call me Erinski.

I'm Erin,

And when my mom had me, they gave her the epidural too soon, so it had started wearing off by the time I was born. She still gives me grief for that.

I'm Erin,

And I'd rather take a bath than a shower.

I'm Erin,

And sometimes I have to keep myself from yelling, "I'm smarter than you" at people when they have a condescending tone.

I'm Erin,

And I drink more Dr. Pepper than water.

I'm Erin,

And sometimes I'd rather stay in and read a book than interact with society.

I'm Erin,

And I'll never get over Augustus Waters.

I'm Erin,

And maybe I'm just a contrary teenager, but people telling me what to do makes me want to do the exact opposite of what they've told me to do.

I'm Erin,

And I don't think I've been to a party since sophomore year and I don't think I've been invited to one since maybe 8th grade and I haven't even had a birthday party since I was thirteen.

I'm Erin,

And even though my dog is almost 11, arthritic, nearsighted, covered in lypomas, prone to seizures, and likely to bark at what I can only assume are ghosts at the door, I still call him a puppy.

I'm Erin,

And I've been on both ends of unreciprocated feelings.

I'm Erin,

And I don't really know how to decipher my own thoughts at this point.

I'm Erin,

And I cry during movies and reading books and I cried when I watched the trailer for TFiOS the other night.

I'm Erin,

And I also cry when I laugh, but mostly out of the right eye.

I'm Erin,

And I'm going to BYU. I'm going to major in English. I'm going to be alone there.

I'm Erin,

And one time my friend's mom was in the room while my music was playing and she called The XX "getting high music."

I'm Erin,

And I'm terrified of a lot of things, including, but not limited to, spiders, rejection, failure, driving on the freeway, death, uncertainty, my new husband smearing cake on my face at our wedding, and never having a husband.

I'm Erin,

And I've written multiple love poems about one boy.

I'm Erin,

And I've loved and I've been loved but I've never been kissed.

I'm Erin,

And I started crying when someone made fun of me for it, even if it was just "harmless teasing" from my best friend.

I'm Erin, 

And I have been that girl crying in the bathroom before, and I have no desire to be her again.

I'm Erin,

And I have been hit in the face with a banana peel.

I'm Erin,

And I've been to four concerts, including Hannah Montana when I was 11.

I'm Erin,

And I'm not super comfortable with my body because the mirror tells me I'm fat even though my mom tells me I'm curvy.

I'm Erin,

And my parents have told me I'm their smartest child and we all hope that Cade and Summer can get scholarships for football and cheerleading, respectively, because, let's be honest, they're not too focused on academics.

I'm Erin,

And I drive too fast and I roll my windows down even after the A/C has cooled off and I listen to my music too loud but I'm pretty sure the bible says, "thou shalt not listen to Sleigh Bells at a volume below 30." (I pulled into my driveway with the volume at 36 today and my little sister's friend standing down the street heard it well enough to start dancing to it.)

I'm Erin,

And I graduate from high school and childhood on the same day, but I usually feel like I'm already finished with both and as much as I wish I had, I've never felt different on my birthday. I have a feeling that 18 will just stay a number. 17 felt the same as 16 and 16 felt the same as 15, because as much as I told myself I'd get my license and a supermegafoxyawesomehot boyfriend as soon as I turned 16, that was never very realistic.

I'm Erin,

And I probably shouldn't swear as much as I do.

I'm Erin,

And I couldn't even be bothered to go to seminary graduation.

I'm Erin,

And my aunt once described our family as "righteous but irreverent," but mostly I'm just the latter.

I'm Erin,

And I used to think I was a pessimist, but I'm calling myself a realist now because if I can't hold on to reality, I have nothing.

I'm Erin,

And apathy sleeps in my bed with me.

I'm Erin,

And my eyes are blue but people still tell me they're green or they're gray and if we can't agree on something as simple as the eye color of a seventeen year old wanna-be poet from Utah, then how are we supposed to find world peace?

I'm Erin.

Erin Nicole Macdonald.

And I'm done being afraid of my potential.

I

Am 

Erin

And I will live like someone cares.

I

Am

Erin

And I will live like I care.

I

Am

Erin

And you will remember my name.

I

Am

Erin

And I was always Erin, even when I was Alis.

I

Am

Erin,

And I'll never be anyone else.

I

Am

Erin

And I'm moving to Paris.

I'm moving to Paris.

Don't try to stop me.

Just you wait.

Wait for the cliche yet obligatory pictures of me and the Eiffel Tower, because Paris said the words that Mesa and Alpine and Provo could never quite get past their teeth.

He said, "I love you, and I'm willing to wait."

I love you, too, Paris, and I'm on my way.

I'm on my way.

--Erin