because it was 3:22 when i started this post and i have 7 more class periods of high school

i haven't slept with a nightlight since i discovered my lack of fear of the dark.

i probably should, because now i've started to wonder if i'm one of those girls who looks better with the lights off.

i still sleep with a stuffed animal, a dolphin corinne bailey rae gave me for my birthday a long time ago. we were friends, but she was always better than me. sorry for that. i named him edgar by the way. he has your eyes

i wonder if he keeps the dark safe for me. i wonder if he cares about my safety.

this is why i need to learn how to fall asleep faster.

i've discovered that if i try to go to bed after two, i just stare at the dark, blurred ceiling until i hate myself.

i wouldn't call myself an insomniac, because i really do sleep a lot at night. i'm not nocturnal, as much as my mom might think so.

i am a fairly paranoid person, and i was always afraid of getting stolen walking down the street back home from my friend's house at night, despite the fact that she lived 5 houses away and Alpine is about as safe as you can get at this point.

in solitude here, though, i can pretend that i didn't waste years of my life on the maximum ride series and i can pretend that no one needs my help and that no one thinks about my hair color and i can pretend that i'm done with small talk about what i want to do with my future and i can pretend that my grandma will stop trying to convince me that i should be a pharmacist and her skeptical looks will stop criticizing my choice to go into English.

i can pretend i've never felt judgement and i can pretend that i'm good enough for everyone's expectations, including mine.

this pillow holds the ghosts of old tears and my bedroom is better at keeping my secrets than my eyes.

goodnight, consciousness.

let me be, tonight.

let me be.

--erin