Lines and points

At what point does music stop being noise?

Why does it want me to feel it and why does it try to understand me and why does it understand me better than I understand myself?

At what point did poetry become more than words?

How can I feel poetry more than I can feel my own emotions?

At what point does "having sex" become "making love?"

Is that just our way of trying to soften the edges of our language?

At what point do I admit that I want to know what it would feel like to be drunk or high?

What would it be like to stop worrying for a little while?

At what point do I tell people what I really think?

Why doesn't that girl understand that orange is a fruit, not a skin tone?

Why can't I tell people to stop expecting me to fix the shit in their lives when I can't even deal with my own?

At what point do I admit that I want to be like everyone else?

What would it be like to be a "tight kid?"

Everyone is watching and everyone is waiting for you to screw up and everyone wonders what it's like to stand by the knight at lunch and everyone asks themselves why they remember these kids' names.

What would it be like to have people know my name?

At what point do I figure out who I am?
When I said I'd pray for him and his family, I think I was lying. I don't pray.
Why did I tell her that prayer was the answer when I haven't knelt down in months?

At what point do I admit to myself that I'm not really Mormon?

Honestly, I wonder what I would say if asked about my religion.

I go to church.

I go to mutual.

I go to seminary.

I pray in Sunday school when asked to.

I recite scripture mastery along with the girl who rails on the Sunday Mormons even though I think I'm one of them.

I don't think God would recognize a sincere prayer from me if he got one, considering how long it's been.

At what point am I seen for the sinner that I am instead of the spiritual that I'm not?

At what point do I get scared by the fact that you'll all know who wrote this in a couple months?

Because I'm not.

I guess it's probably time for someone to find out.

I've been told to doubt my doubts before I doubt my faith.

I don't doubt the truth of the church.

I doubt my place in it.

I don't doubt that the church is the way back to heaven.

I doubt that heaven is where I deserve to be.

--Alis